Poem #16: Forever and More

So. Today I worked hard to tell you

that no matter what happens

I will uphold my duty

as your friend

your companion

your confidant

your twin soul

forever and more.

But somehow

the words would not come out

and I could not make them

form in my misshapen mouth

because in truth

they stain my tongue

and rip my gums to shreds

because I am lying.

Because I feel thick worms

slide down my throat

and heavy rocks

bounce in my stomach

when I see you before me.

Because how can I promise

to be yours when I can

never be with you

the way I want to be

with you.

Because how can I speak

of friendship and lifelong commitment

when my heart dances

at the thought of touching you

at the thought of seeing you

and plummets

at the thought of lying to you.

How can I be here and not here

How can I be with you and not be with you

How can I stand to stand alone

when you beg for my company

and all I can think of is loving you.

My heart aches and I feel how yours will break

when tomorrow

I tell you

no matter what happens

I will never be again

forever and more.